Author: Laura Beth Dehority

• The Hippocampus is part of our brain that regulates stress and enhances memory
• In times of stress, it actually shrinks so it has less ability to regulate stress so that we start forgetting stuff
• Find ways to encourage one another
As parents in challenging relationships with our child, we often feel like we don’t do enough, we did it wrong, we did too much, we overthink and are way harder on ourselves than we would ever be on another human being
Encouraging isn’t trying to offer solutions. It is acknowledging how hard they try, how things are outside of their control, that good people make mistakes every day and they are still good people, that we might need a resource (not a solution), or a hug or a safe place to vent. Encouragement is pure and not a backhanded compliment.
Question: What is something that someone said or did for you that didn’t solve your problem but gave you the reminder that you are doing your best in a challenging circumstance? Is there something that you can say to your spouse that might encourage them?

• The Hippocampus is part of our brain that regulates stress and enhances memory
• In times of stress, it actually shrinks so it has less ability to regulate stress so that we start forgetting stuff
The Hippocampus Grows when we nurture our relationships ESPECIALLY in challenging circumstances…
• When there is a tough conversation that needs to take place…
• Work on something together
• Have a “Book Club” where you both read the same book or articles and then make a time to talk about you learned from what you read while avoiding “off-topic” rabbit holes
• Play music in the background while you are talking as this will help you to remain present in the hard conversation
• True story: people who reflect on significant relationships of more than 50 years have a common thread and that is that it was the tough times that provided the most fertile soil and provided opportunities to nurture their relationships
Question: What is a really good habit that you have learned when working with your loved ones on something that is hard?

• The Hippocampus is part of our brain that regulates stress and enhances memory
• In times of stress, it actually shrinks so it has less ability to regulate stress so that we start forgetting stuff

• Focus on the thing that matters most. Nurturing your significant relationships matters most
• Concentrate on one thing at a time
• Tend to runaway thoughts with presence and curiosity
• Learn to identify your emotions and filter the facts through them.
• How you feel matters and so do the feelings of those who are close to you.
• Consider facts through the lens of feelings and take your time to consider what is really happening.
• Recognize when this feels too hard because that is a good sign that you need accountability or support…a trusted friend or relative, accountability partner or group or professional counselor or support group
Question: Is there something that matters the most right now in my relationships that needs to take priority over all the daily noises?

• The Hippocampus is part of our brain that regulates stress and enhances memory
• In times of stress, it actually shrinks so it has less ability to regulate stress so that we start forgetting stuff

• Take a team approach to life’s challenges…
• What are your strongest qualities?
• What are your loved one’s?
• What do you do really well together?
• How can you encourage other people who are significant in your life?
• What are grudges you need to move past?
• Question: Name a time that you and others in your life were a great team? In what ways did that teamwork make your relationship stronger?

• The Hippocampus is part of our brain that regulates stress and enhances memory
• In times of stress, it actually shrinks so it has less ability to regulate stress so that we start forgetting stuff

• Nurturing is VERY different from Fixing…
• Try a different perspective…Instead of being frustrated because they have so many plants, focus on becoming a better gardener…
• Winning them over to your way of thinking without considering theirs does not nurture a relationship
• Hear them out nurtures a relationship
• Focus on what matters and see how that nurtures your relationship
• Question: Is there a garden in your loved one’s life that would be greatly enriched by your becoming a better gardener? Is there a garden in your life where the plants could use the talents of your loved one?

• The Hippocampus is part of our brain that regulates stress and enhances memory
• In times of stress, it actually shrinks so it has less ability to regulate stress so that we start forgetting stuff
• Be kind and direct at the same time…this is what the tired and confused Hippocampus needs
• Choose your words carefully because they often can’t be unsaid
• Practice Progress over Perfection…our best learning opportunities come from tough circumstances…
• Stay with what is happening right now…Always and Never statements take us to the past or the future…the strength in our relationships is right here in this moment with the wisdom that we have gained from past mistakes, not repeating the past mistakes…the future is a place to vision with reasonable hope and a clear trajectory, not a catastrophe…
Question: Imagine this is a defining moment that we will look at many years from now and recall clearly. How can we make this a happy memory?